Sage and Pupil

MIRROR OF WEALTH

If the student wants to learn the teacher will appear

Life lessons occur whether you want them or not! Not sure where that statement came from and really it's the idea and concept that is holding some truth for me this day! The Universe has a way of nudging you to evolve. You think you've conquered your life and pow...here comes the biggie. Wanting your cake and eat it too is not really the best way to fill your soul. One of the seven deadly sins; glutton. Its just a band aid for something most likely avoided. Why do people avoid things like conversations that are needed and change? Because it hurts. People don't like change especially elders it rocks their world and puts em them in shock. Dealing with reality can be paralyzing and debilitating. The more creative path would be to look the thing that you fear right in the face and deal. Avoidance just causes emotions to fester and creates unpleasant feelings for all involved. Pema Chodron my favorite teacher speaks of this when things fall apart.
Unknowingly a man whom I opened my heart, home and family imparted my most profound lessons to date. Real heart ache feeling like a heart attack only to be heart sick. A bad Romeo and Juliette. No Shakespeare here...only mirroring the familiar. Opposites when it comes to actions...fear or love..or is it love to pull a band aid off very S L O W L Y ? Truth revealed has been denied...for the dream can't die....can it? Yet the heart always knows the truth. Children hate to get punished where as adults deal! This is the very essence of my story. The lesson is to deal and be honest and truthful. Water from a stone I spent a lot of time sharing ideas and listening to heartfelt feelings about one mans life. I cared. And now I need to care about me. No one has my back unless its serves their needs. It is in this experience I share a huge loss of time to create art. I would like to share my lessons with you to avoid paths that cause you to stop making art. I have never done this till Fall 2010. I was paralyzed for love or what I thought was my future soul mate. So here goes a tale filled with reality checking, love and forgiveness of others and self for the sake of making art your hearts reflection. Mind you their are NO MISTAKES, no regrets only abundance as one can choose it. You choose your path and create it. No one else can have that much power on any of our lives unless you hand it over!

"You are my dream come true I've been looking for you my entire life."

I have spent the last 2.5 years in a strange scenario that holds only truth and lesson's. I held space for a what I thought was the love of my life. Statements like the one above held my attention as I wanted to believe in his words as truth! I really fell hard and felt it was a mutual feeling.

I didn't want to be involved with a "married" person. We developed a deep friendship and in time fell in love. I did not want to be with anyone who wasn't single. So I kept my distance, but emotionally we were every bit connected. This created a mess. Trying to do the right thing? Who would of guessed that your dammed if you do or don't? The connection, creative, sensually beautiful and mutually heartfelt was more powerful than a locomotive full steam ahead. In equal parts two people found each other and blew three peoples lives apart! No one made anyone do anything they didn't consciously choose. I didn't jump into this without tabling ideas of couples therapy and clearing his slate prior to this experience. Needless to say the emotional part of our connection grew in the first year....it was cut off so many times for doing the right thing and the attraction and connections were so obvious that neither of us could totally walk away. Even still the last note of thousands sent in the last few years left the door open to resolve at a later date. This is just a crumb and string to support what I feel is a crippled ego. How can a person be so unkind to crumb a bit of hope and play out New Years celebrations as if its all okay? Its all BS at the ladies expense. I can't imagine being a wife to a man that plays games. I never thought I 'd be "the other woman" not a title I would like to ever do again. I so tried to not be that person! But failed the sisterhood. Moreover than not I pushed hard on this man to make a choice and be good with it...to choose and have the drama be OVER. What I see is a stuck person....really stuck and it pains me and he will end up with nothing over a lack of evolution. Afraid to do real therapy will cost him the vitality and truth of his heart. This makes me sad for he is not a bad person but just a person who should of been accountable for wanting to be poly amorous. This is where men and women collide....the differences of lives growing together or apart.
By expressing my self I fearlessly take responsibility for my actions and its not my problem anymore as I accept the truth of my actions. I leave this as I deserve real love that is available to me 24/7, love that is public even thou private. I need not hear from all our mutual friends ever again how much this man loves me. I am sure the truth will make me the bad person for coming clean. The most important aspect lacking in this situation is to come clean with one s feelings, to be honest and for all parties to HEAR the truth. Its like beating a dead horse. I have had enough. If he was placed in a room with both women or asked what does your heart want ...I'd like to say he wants her as a business partner and me as a lover....how messed up is that one? Maybe its my ego but the lover aspect is huge, initiating intimacy with another has to be genuine and sober. Don't tell me you think of me while being with her ever again.
I know way too much about this situation and it turns my stomach to say the least. I am glad I am not the wife at this point. The Universe has spared me.
It's all sad and unaccountable. I thought and felt his heart loved me but his actions have been heartless to all parties including himself.
I am sorry very sorry I see my future with a man that makes manly choices and honors is his word. The thrill some people need has played it's self out. I was in it for love and I think this is where I was fooled and foolish. The problems with couples are not the lover....its there crap the marriage contains and no one to blame, however that is what un evolved people do....play victim. Its all sour now. And the lessons are costly for everyone.
I think in innocence and in the beginning all feelings were genuinely felt but in time...too much time without movement the entire thing became lies and painfully placed upon the women to determine its fate. I am not on hold for anyone. Therapy would of been nice. Did I become some couples sick game that they do to spice up a dead marriage? I have no clue but I do know that triangles are not for me. RUN. The situation is not a good one when a person is not resolved and in another relationship. Why is it that often humans need some sort of stepping stone, or spring board to muster up a departure? Regardless our connection was magnetic and if this person was in a room with facing me now they would be a hard pressed to not want the closeness we do indeed feel. I have pushed it away a million times and the entire story is just one of tales and twists that make no sense to me. Loving someone doesn't mean pretending to be nice....giving them lip service to support a future on the "high road". This was a painful process and the lesson is invaluable. I can't speak for anyone other than myself. Choice is huge and the Universe has a way of opening one door and closing another. But sometimes FEAR in people shuts them down and they retreat often dead inside for fear rules their souls. People learn by repeat doing things...repeat repeat repeat and be it good or bad its seriously the way humans condition themselves. To choose with real awareness can be frightening and freeing. I see people manipulate things to make it seem okay. Like a child moving food around the plate to avoid intake. Nothing really changes...it s still all there just more messy. Conditioned to routine patterns? NOT everybody has boundaries. A parental tool that is seriously lacking for some. The rat wheel owns so many Spirits and it works for some and others get bored and dip a toe out here and there for recreation. Seems to me like a lost pet analogy. Not enough food at home so the pet seeks and consumes elsewhere....pet still returns home because it can. Routine and "duty" calling. The mirror is always there and if your not looking, well you will keep wandering out the gate for recreation or you will shut down and die a lie with that leash cinched tighter round one's neck. Be no bodies habit or secret ever its just all wrong. Asking for honesty doesn't mean you will get it. Whats the point? Seeking a happy heart at the expense of others is not good. The entire experience is for me one that just never had a plan of inclusion but rather vacant posturing for what? Wanting two women for very different reasons is "MAGICAL THINKING".
I'm guilty of that as well, always hopeful that ownership and a real apology with heart and soul would be revealed with this plan that included me! Right?
My life was so open to creation and manifesting but it seems that was my "Magical Thinking". I had such faith if the feeling felt together that it blinded me.

It takes time to recognize the NATURE of an animal.
The truth is in each animals character a result of what they DO
Actions speak louder than words.

As humans we so desperately want to believe in all the good in our lives and our partners chosen. And why shouldn't we? Our choices are suppose to be something of perfection if were controlling our lives! This is a perversion of nothing real to me at all. Life is messy at times and those mess ups are really triggers to bigger issues that are often gnawing at one's core energetic being. We have to acknowledge the things that are not working and if we are brave enough we can fix it. Moving away from what is not working is healthy. Change is good and can give room to new growth and happiness in everyone s life. For artful souls, art many times runs nose to nose with your personal life and to live your life through your artful ways can be very positive and reflective. To wish you were this or that and try to create all possibility's is sometimes not realistic. Life tosses you hard balls and can wipe the life you know clear off home base. This is the non boring part of life....I don't wish it upon anyone but it happens....for a reason?? Sometimes to shake you up and make you grow? Only you can look at it. Deny it or play it. I got played and when real pain is involved no one wins. Choosing to be whatever it may be...loved or happy or angry is a choice...all feelings are acknowledged. But its tough when others are part of your artful life...if you stop making art and rob yourself of it based on another only you can pick it up and make it better. If you are not productive its only you who make it so....Others can have an affect for sure....if you're not getting the love you want naturally you are upset. Dishonesty breeds pain. So maybe it is not the path that is right or evolved enough for you. Just look inward and determine what is truth and what is misinformed or stretched out of proportion...a story that you have held up and for what and why and how does that serve you really? So much drama seems like the wrong kind of attention and if you don't depart your situation than why drag others into it? This I will never understand or see fruitful. My error for putting faith in words without integrity for my life path. Foolish and now I know.
My life is my art and since 2010 Burning Man all those images have just sat in my darkroom untouched. Hit the HOLD button for all the wrong reasons and now I can take my lessons and apply them to my artful life once more. What really resonates for me in my lessons is to be strong with creating boundaries.

NEVER let another persons story bring your story down.
Don't put your art on hold. The result will be Toxic.

If people you love are unhappy then set them free to sort it out with a professional and don't let the drama be your life. You can inspire them and share knowledge but if they don't want to grow it is not your job to deal with the repression and fear that holds them down rather than frees their being. Let go. Or be ready to put on a crash helmet as your life will run a roller coaster to no where fast. It will rob you of valuable time. Both teacher and sage. No dignity, no good can come of it, no integrity backing words and feelings is just that....empty ideas that can't feed your heart. Truth reflected in art and life is pure. Truth is not denying an unhappy heart. Truth has integrity.
I think their is a timeline and a healthy way of viewing our lessons...For me seeing success in my students getting excited about being more open to love people with this thing we call a camera that comes between us and them is interesting....its like music...we play a few bars...with the lens there and we remove it and engage....than start again! I feel very connected to my students progress and not unlike the people in my life if progress is positive we all win.

It's great to see each person make progress.

This year I hope to be channeling my feelings into my art to create a life that is back on track with good and kindnesses is my goal. Edit out all liability's and don't put your life in art on hold. Agendas of others may not be healthy for your art. It certainly took mine down. My fault. I got derailed and lost some time truth be told. Its all a story and my part in it was not one I wish to repeat. A dear friend's sage advise is if there is not dignity in a situation, run for your life. RUN. Avoid all situations that care less for your soul. I want to create positive art and when you come off something that has taken you down so long its hard not to address that pain body....but in this blog I am addressing it as a letting go to make really beautiful art and pray for those whom have suffered. I am not interested in fear based living, posturing and being used as a scape goat for other people's boredom and unhappiness ever again. People are not TOYS. If you have the blessing a soul before you don't abuse it. Living a life that creates love rather than robs it interests me. I have witnessed a painful process in another person I loved and I became collateral damage only to support another souls starved ego. I have my imperfections and caused my share of tears....but in the end we are all accountable and pointing a finger at another to make them a villain or villainous is not honest and feeding a true story to sustain oneself. It's a cop out. Make art and make a good heart. Get your lessons and make something that heals hearts and loves the world back. I ask to be only a better person in my resolve of time lost in this year to come. I ask to be left alone and safe from stories that are not true to feed love to our hearts. Make better art and be more accountable this is all I have to offer to anyone that cares to know about being a better soul. I am fully accountable for my part in my life choices. In this one can own one's life. Refuse to play roles like victim, it's unattractive, most likely if your in that role you starred in it for many years prior.

Shape shift your life and create joy. If something is unhealthy it hurts...its in that pain area is where your rebirth can occur and if you dare to evolve and own your choices than you are making a baby step forward and can celebrate. Wait for no one to bring you joy. If its lacking in your life and you see it in others...be thoughtful and don't grab onto there's and try to capture it. I have been a bright light for many for a very long time and strangers meet me and latch on to my energy...I am usually careful about whom I share my deepest soul parts. My face got got touched once upon a time by a dear soul...this person I feel was hiding behind a mask, I could see the deeper soul who needed to be understood. I understood. And my lesson is to keep healthy boundaries. Just because I have a brightness doesn't mean anyone else should conquer and divide it. Like life saving 101...the person is drowning and if you go to save them you may go down too...Swim away...send in the coast guard but don't drown as a result of another. My life went into a holding pattern for someone else's personal journey...they may never arrive anywhere brighter than where I am already rooted. It sucked the life out of me and my art.
ART from your heart...don't loose your heart or put it in the hands of anyone other than yourself. People will tell you what they think you want to hear. Artful dodgers will omit real details and "WIGGLE" away from truth and beauty. Truth hurts for most people and I can see that it doesn't matter for many..they still want the dream that more often isn't shared. Some cultures have made it their profession to guilt and insure that suffering is at a premium for others...This is all pointless and abusive. Facts are "You don't always get what we want." and probably its for the best. Thanks Mick.

I don t know why people string things along with ideas of a future together in one moment and in the next they are doing the exact same thing to another human. EGO....its really cruel and unhealthy. Cats out of the bag...don t be anybodies secret but rather their embodiment of true love and friendship. In life things happen to all of us...real life good stuff and tough stuff. Get the lessons and don t let it take your art down. If its complicated maybe walking away is healthy. Or skirt it before it can embrace your being. Every action will follow with a reaction. Walking away and make art can't hurt if you don't invest your heart....it hurts afterwards. My family reminds me always of how happy I am when I'm in my art creating beauty and caring for others.

One Cake at a TIME - Set Boundries - Never Lie and you will have a HAPPY HEART

A prayer for all those whom suffered this last year.
Lack of love can make people become angry and sometimes become people they never wanted to be. This happens...it's life fully loaded. If you don't like the way you have evolved or un-evolved? Change it. Once you go through the void there is no return. Life is not as you've known and it is suppose to change or why would have it been so?
If you seek truth you will find a better way. All facades just crumble in time.
Experiences can be monumentally good or bad pending YOUR PERCEPTIONS.
Choose growth and be good with it. Namaste. Go with your Gods and be the best you can be now.
I pray for forgiveness and peace for all.
I forgive all for labels and paralysis
I am thankful I know how to love.
Amen

The Ultimate Partnership is one with yourself
In Buddhism we say it is your Buddha Nature
In life just being the best you can be.
Practice is all we can do as humans.
We may not get to love the people we have loved intimately and soulfully till the end of time.
In an ego less bigger picture I feel love for all.
In my good heart of hearts I wish for those who suffer to be free to find the love they so seek.
If you can't shine and dance freely than the dance is most likely one to sit out.
Pretending only cheats those we love and creates pain.
Love with intent and honesty and your life will be your art.

Keepin it RAW & REAL that is what an artist heart does.
Their no substitutes for TRUTH
Nothing FAKE about it.

Yours Truly The Pupil